I have moved back to the town i grew up in!
Clarity came in an instant and I knew it’s what I had to do. Go back to school. Starting the long road to get a Masters in Nutrition, become an RD, and learn learn learn.
This is a big step forward for me.
The last few years I have come to terms with my emotional struggles. I realized that the losses of my childhood left an indelible mark I cannot ignore. I tried to ignore them, work past them, and to be perfect in all that I did for many years. Life showed me that the attempt to be perfect is a self-correcting one, because perfection in one area exacerbates other problems, leads to an excessive need to be controlling, leads to insomnia, leads to…general joy.less.ness. 😦
Now, I am pursuing an authentic goal. Food, health, nutrition…they are close to my heart and part of my own healing journey as well as a continuos experiment and curiosity for me. But I am taking it slow.
My gratitude to my family, my dad, my close friends who are putting me up in their home, for their support—is huge and I can really feel it right now. I do not have to work full-time and go to school. I can take care of my body and my emotions, and be honest with my limitations, while I pursue this goal. I can get the support I need from professionals, go to school, and work a little on the weekends. I am cooking again, with a private chef who does healthy meal deliveries for people with special dietary needs in the Boston area.
I am overjoyed, right now, to be embarking on this new journey. I know it will be challenging. I know the doubt will creep in. It already has. I know maintaining a balance is elusive at times. I’ll try to think of it as homeostatis, a dynamic equilibrium, never staying totally in one spot, but oscillating within what will hopefully be a healthy range.
I wish I remember the name of the author who said this, but I heard him speak on NPR. He had lost his mother at a young age. He said that it will always mark him, and it makes him different from people who did not lose a parent at a young age. This feels so true. I don’t wear this as a badge of honor, but for those of us who went through an early loss like this, it needs remembering that this is and always will be part of who we are. It changed us and we changed to cope with it. I write this to remember to be gentle with myself. Not as an excuse not to pursue any goals, but as permission to be gentle, move slowly when necessary, get support, be tender.